The man or the money

Since I am of a marriagable age and the man I am going to marry is known to my parents (sigh!), I have this question foisted on myself sporadically. When are you going to marry? I patiently tell them to wait. But parents are like kids, they keep asking me, “Are we there yet?”

To that, I had to finally say,” We are earning money, give us some time”. To that my mother says, “You always had that issue, right from the beginning!”. To that, I reply, “ Do you want a rushed marriage and a divorce later! Let us be sure that we are safe and secure!”

Then my mom asks me, what if u never manage to earn enough money? (what rubbish! I say mentally); then I tell her, “Spinsterhood is better than a lousy marriage.” My parents by this time are understandably shocked . Then my mom says, “Please ask him to be open to other options! We are mentally prepared to have you torture us for the rest of our lives.” I tell mom that it is not possible for him to be open to any options at all. They are puzzled, I go on…

(Deep breath) “ There are 3 tiers in youngsters, the first tier is “sundar and tikau”, the second tier is “sundar and tikau- reloaded” and the third tier is the “i-am-sundar-and-tikau-get-your-freakin’-eyes-CHECKED!” category.” Now according to me, i am in the sundar and tikau category and my beau is in the “I-am-sundar-and-tikau-get-your-freakin’-eyes-CHECKED!” category.

Most of the content in the following was not told to my parents; read on… you’ll realise why…

TIER 1: sundar and tikau

Profile: Women-

- Below 25 years old, studying or a fresher in the job. Full of hope , enthusiasm and charm.

- Even after a failed relationship, she has enough energy and zest to give love another chance.

- She may be a virgin.

- She radiates the glow that only youth can instill in her, since it is at it’s zenith.

- She looks good in contemporary fashion. If her bra straps show through her top and if she applies royal blue eyeshadow with blue-green eyeliner; you dont roll your fashion police eyes.

- Ten years ago she was a minor.

- “So Young” from Corrs applies to her… “It really doesn’t matter if we don’t eat, it really doesn’t matter if we never sleep; it really doesn’t matter, really doesn’t matter at all….”

- Most importantly, she is wanted by men as if she is Helen of Troy. The best of the lot in girls (arguably) are booked in this time-frame; except for celebrity women. The older they are; the higher chance they have to get hooked.

- She effortlessly gets a husband in the arranged marriage market with the help of ever-so-obliging family friends. If she deigns to fall in love; then she gets a variety in men quite easily.

Profile: Men

- Below 25 years old.

- This case is really sad because he has a fashion sense that he invariably grows to regret- “What was I thinking!”

- He has just started working. Therefore, he does not have career plans which are more concrete than wet cement (C’mon! face it!), unless he has a bossy girlfriend (like i was to my ex). In that unfortunate case, he unconsciously lies through his teeth about having a five-year career plan. Sometimes he may end up believing the facade too. He may do so on select occassions- to watch a movie peacefully with the buddies, to have satisfying sex, to have intelligent conversations with the girlfriend etc.

- He is very much interested in that-thing-called-love. He really makes best boyfriend to an extent of raising ridiculous expectations from the girlfriend in the relationship. Many women who go through a break up with their boyfriends in this age category, remember them for some special reason for a long time in their lives.

- Ten years ago, he was a minor (Do you really want to start on puberty problems?)

- He looks promising in the arranged marriage market. Its like a film with Aamir Khan in it; much anticipated! In the love scene, his chances are mostly dicey. Not that he never gets a girl... but he is mostly exploring himself... ahem!

TIER 2: sundar and tikau- reloaded

Profile: Women

- Between 25 to 30 (this is where i will be next year)

- She earns, therefore, she has a slightly better bank balance, good handbags, good cellphone, good skin and hair.... the credit of which goes to the 1^st better- bank balance. Do you know what that means?! The boyfriend has to be ‘well-settled’ (the definition of which is subjective). She sometimes gets expensive haircuts, so please spare her the bike rides once in a while as the polluted wild breeze is unkind on the hair to say the least (Yes, yes! she knows disowning bike is blasphemous). Do you know what that means?! Buy a car. Period.

- She is comtemplating marriage!! (she may not always admit that)

- She may, therefore, not want any one-night-stand (she is as fond of one-night-stand as she is of giving a blow-job, duh!)

- She becomes a person who suddenly needs a confidante... even if it is her otherwise annoying maternal type sister, or one of her ‘frenemy’ (friend + enemy) galpal. It is because she has some skeletons in her closet which needs to be cleared so that her wedding planning album or

How-is-my-life-going-to-be-post-Marriage /Live-In/ Normal Romantic Relationship album can fit into it.

Trust me - they are individually voluminous!

- By now, her market value (i know- harsh word), is a little down. If she wants a guy, then she’ll have to look a little harder and pray that she finds someone asap. Although the thought of babies makes her feel suicidal; she will not completely rule out that idea and therefore we have the concept of biological clock even if it is faaar from ticking away to glory. In that case, parents start thinking of matrimonial websites and she looks at men in other boulevards too.

Profile: Men

- Between 25-30 years

- There is a dialogue in the film “Andaz Apna Apna”:

“Jab tu paida hua tha; tab tu roya tha aur mein hasaa tha; ek woh din tha aur ek aaj ka din hai- jab jab tu hasaa hai; mein sirf roya hoon.”

- That is the case with HIM and HER in this age category because this is one hell of a good time in a guy’s life. When she thinks of her life seriously (ya ! right); he is living it up!

- He is wiser from his past experiences in relationships.

- He really really does not want to marry. (mummy! Mummy! mujhe sachhi muchhi shaadi nahi karni hai!)

- He does save money... he invests in places which she (the girlfriend) never knows or understands... every time he comes with a new plan in which he has invested... it makes her feel really dumb in finances when he does that. Then she reassures herself by saying that at least he is serious about settling down... uh oh! Danger zone...

- He may settle down eventually.... when he is through with switching jobs until he is relatively satisfied, taken off for a holiday with his buddies, bought few dozen of his dream gadgets... somewhere, he associates marriage with diabetes, its like he cant do many things after he hooks up.... “I am on a marriage diet!”

- He is way cooler than what he was (although when he is bang in the middle of 25 to 30; he suddenly becomes so immature.... its like he cant believe that he can be sooo coool...)

- In the arranged marriage market; his family and his extremely desperate family friends, get for him the cream lot in girls (mostly from the 1^st TIER: Sundar and Tikau). In love scene; he stands an extremely fat chance of landing up with a girl he wants... then he woos and she eventually agrees (persuasion is the key, really)

TIER: 3: i-am-sundar-and-tikau-get-your-freakin’-eyes-CHECKED!

Profile: Women

- Above 30

- Career wise she has attained a fine balance. If she was at the peak of her youth in the below 25 category; then with adequate amount of hardwork; she should be at the peak (or somewhere close to that) of her career now.

- She is really through and over with the concept of dating, flings etc. About settling down... well if she is single then she she has a damn good reason for it.

- She does not throw tantrums or demands things that only he (the boyfriend) can provide. Rather she becomes very generous to boyfriends and younger siblings and keeps them pampered and happy.

- She dresses appropriately and talks about things that make complete sense. She is a lady....

- She dreads becoming old... her boobs sag, she has to diet because her metabolism is not working like a stallion now...

- She is not like any of the characters from Sex And The City, she envies them because they make growing old look so cool...

- In the arranged marriage market; mostly her chances are dicey; unless she is very rich or holds a high position at work; or both. In the love marriage scene; she tends to be as hard as cooked meat of an old lamb/chicken. She has two roads in front of her- marriage in desperation or late-but-wise alliance in marriage.

Profile: Men

- Above 30

- This is one annoying thing in men; they are young until they are 35. So a part of the above 30 category stand a good chance for arranged marriage. The same applies for love marriage too.

- Like him, most men at this stage want to settle down- UNLESS, (this is a big unless )

Ø He is at a high position in media field or in an MNC.

Ø He is good looking and lean- you know Rajat Kapoor types?

Ø He finds it very easy to find PYTs (Pretty Young Things) to fall for him.

- Although, when he goes bride-hunting; it looks a little weird as instinctively people wonder, “What was he doing till today? If he has waited so long then there has to be some problem?”

This is where the real catch is- I told my parents. If my beau goes bride hunting elsewhere, this is the question he will have to face and then there will be uncomfortable enquiries into his private life…